Take Everything Away From Me, Silent Angel..

And if all i can do
Is just sit and wait for you
Then i guess i’ll just be waiting till the end
Oh i guess i’ll just be waiting till the end..

 

I wish I knew why Michael James Way had bipolar disorder. How could he have bipolar when he performed in front of thousands on a regular basis? He was making music, he was on stage rocking it out. It’s the best fucking feeling in the world. Period. So how on earth did Michael Way get bipolar disorder? How did he overcome it? I wish I knew.

Here I am wondering why Mikey Way had bipolar disorder when he seems to be living the dream, living the life of a rock star. And over there, there are people who wonder why am I so sad when I should be thankful as I have a very good life and all.

I guess people will never understand how it really feels like for another person unless you are in their shoes.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have bipolar disorder. Or are these just horrible mood swings that I’m having? I think part of it has to do with music. The music I’m listening to, the songs I’m writing. They are too bloody melancholy and dark and tragic and sad. Another part of it has to do with this absolutely weird mind of mine. It thinks too much. It fantasizes too much. It dreams too much. It comes out with a thousand and one different possibilities to every thought that pops into my head. Too much wishful thinking.

Then of course, there is the past, which haunts me perpetually and constantly reminds me of how, things always don’t go right just when my heart is filled with so much hope and belief that it might burst. All of that, is always, cruelly shattered. So much so, it becomes harder and harder for me to have any hope or belief anymore. I become more and more afraid to love. I become scared.

Love is enough. Love is always enough. That’s what Owen Wilson said in the movie “You, Me and Dupree”. I always believed it. But then, even Wilson himself didn’t believe it. He tried to commit suicide when Kate Winslet broke up with him. I still believe that love is always enough, but I can’t seem to get others to believe it. So I guess soon, love will die. I’ll give up.

Right now, there are just too many things on my mind. My brain is all cluttered up and I can’t really think properly.. Fuck school and all the assignments. There’s no sodding respite. I hate it. Life’s one bloody thing after another. I can’t really be bothered to do anything right now.

I’m so tired. So, so tired. I swear, right now I want to sleep forever and never ever wake up. I wish I could. I really do. But to do that would be unfair to those around me who care and love for me.

Sigh.. I’m so sorry this is only the second post of my blog, but already it is so depressing and all.. I can’t help it with school work being a bitch, cupid being a bitch, music being a bitch, life being a bitch, etc. Yeah, no one dies a virgin, bitches like that fuck us all.

I’m so sorry.

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

 

When words fail me, songs and lyrics help me express exactly how I feel.

~ by Thomson ❤ Rachel on July 7, 2008.