Dear Rachel,

I am so terribly sorry. I know actions speak louder than words, but by the time you read this, I will be thousands of miles away. So I can only leave you with words.

I feel absolutely fucking horrible. I can’t remember the last time I have felt this bad. I don’t know if I made the right decision this morning in telling you. All that I know is that I had to. I don’t know why, but I had to. Maybe it’s the wine I drank last night. Haha. I think I’ve been thinking too much. My head has been fucking around with me for too long.

If you don’t ever want to be with me again, I understand. I don’t deserve you. I’ve not been the best boyfriend. Far from it. You are right, I have always been too selfish. I guess it’s better that if we were to part, we do it sooner rather than later. Sigh. But I’m so fucking scared. I don’t know what I will do without you. I will miss you terribly. I’m already so fucking empty and hollow inside. I’m scared. I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I need help. I can’t love. I can’t sustain love. I’m bloody scared.

Sigh, I don’t know if you will ever forgive me. I don’t know if we will ever be together again. But I hope you will at least still remain friends with me.

If not, thanks for the memories. You were the best I’ve ever had, and you will always the first girl who I truly loved.

Love,
Thomson

Why do I find it so difficult? Where have the feelings gone? What is this sick obsession I have of missing the feeling of being sad and lonely? Why is it my head tends to overrule my heart? I wonder, am I even meant to or made to love at all?

I lay awake stuck by this fickle thorn.
Am I ever gonna let you in before I see it coming?
Systematic in decay.

I’m dying to feel what you feel now.
You’ve already been such a sweetheart.
And I know we all get scared.
We all get scared.

Too much head, but too little heart, oh honey:
I want your touch, such a shame that I am numb honey.
Too much head, but too little heart, oh honey:
Not meant to be this way.

Lover, lover, lover you’ll never know-
You’ll never know, because-
Lover, lover breathing down my neck;
Incendiary breath, and still my lover is a burden.
Tell me something could you smell my fear
As I lay there cringing on your bed?

Maybe my seed found purchase in your soil.
It’s just a fight, a futile fight to feel connected.
I lay awake stuck by this fickle thorn.
Instead of tending to it’s prick, I lay, infected.

I’m so thankful for you in my life, Wendelyn. I’m not sure how our family would still be like if you didn’t come into this world. You bring so much joy into our lives. We’ll prolly be a rather miserable bunch.

Sighhhh, today’s miserable alright. It has got to be one of the worst days ever, ever, ever. Ever.

Thankfully, there is still you, Wendelyn. Your innocence never fails to instill a sense of calm in me no matter how damn bad I’m feeling. Sigh, I need to spend more time with you, little sis. I wish you wouldn’t grow up so fast.

I love you.

Maybe we, why don’t we
Sit right here for half an hour?
We’ll speak of what a waste I am,
And how we missed your beat again.

How many dreams have I given up? How many dreams have I stopped chasing?

Why?

For what?

If I could, I would ask you, Thomson at 16 years of age, whatthefuck were you thinking?! What made you think there was a future in this godforsaken industry? You poor naïve and deluded fool.

Oh well, at least you came to your senses, sooner than most, as to what is most important in life, here on this tiny little dot.

At least it is not too late to get out.

Sighhhhh. 10. Fucking. More. Weeks.

Hang in there.

And then it’s good fucking riddance.

The past is always with you
-Nick Gardner

Yes, Nick. Damned Decembers.

I wish we could forget everything that we have ever been through and go back to the 29th August 2008. I wish that one hour will last forever, and we’ll never have to part, never ever be apart.

“If love is a labour, I’ll slave till the end,
I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand..”

Imprisoned, inside this mind,
Hiding behind the empty smiles.
So simple, the anguish,
As it mocks me,
Crawling back into the dark.

Deeper I’m falling,
Into the arms of sorrow.
Blindly descending.
There must be serenity,
There must be deliverance.

I feel like I should let you go, but I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to do so without hurting you, and I can’t bear to let you go too, not after we have been through so much together. I don’t want you to be hurt. I do care about you, but I don’t know if I love you, or if I am just in love with the feeling of love. Sometimes I feel like I don’t love you as much as you love me, but sometime I feel like you are all that matters. Why do my feelings for you fluctuate? I am so confused. I keep feeling like I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry to put you through all this pain. I truly am. But I can’t make a decision because I really don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do.

Sigh. Where do we go from here?

When it comes down to this
A scene that we’ve seen before
I won’t let you go, I won’t stand to watch
as these walls start to fall apart

I’m falling away, away from your arms
That kept me so close to the things that I love
I’m holding it back, take me back to your heart
A place to remember I’ll always be yours…

A place to remember I’ll always be yours.